


Still Wall

by Diary



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Awkward Conversations, Bechdel Test Fail, Canon Bisexual Character, Canon Gay Character, Disturbing Themes, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Love, Male Friendship, POV Aaron Dingle, POV Male Character, POV Queer Character, Past Child Abuse, Past Incest, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Suicide Attempt, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-31
Updated: 2016-10-31
Packaged: 2018-08-28 06:59:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8435944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diary/pseuds/Diary
Summary: An AU of Robert and Aaron's conversation after Aaron left the hospital early. In which Aaron lashes out, Robert takes it but refuses to leave, and they end up being tentative mates. Complete.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Emmerdale.

Scoffing at the word, Aaron closes his eyes against the pain in his arm.

_What happened to ya?_

He’s not getting into what his dad did, but other things- he knows he can never hurt Robert the way Robert has him. He was once terrified Jackson would expose who he really was, take everything away, force him to face ridicule, hatred, and danger, but no. Outing someone is something _he’d_ do, but Jackson never would have.

Robert lost almost everything, the shooting likely had nothing to do with him being outed but still happened, and most of the village hasn’t forgiven either of them, but Robert has it worse. Knowingly help someone cheat is bad, but the village is usually good about looking more harshly on the one who did the actual cheating.

Still, Aaron has always had to give this to him: Robert is strong, and even with all this, he’s still going.

Clearing his throat, he considers drinking the glass Robert offered but decides against it. “You know, one night in prison I came so close to- It wasn’t the first time I considered topping myself, but that night, I’m still not sure what stopped me. You tied me to a radiator, Robert, and you shot Paddy. All those things you said in the scrapyard- And yeah, this is still about Katie. She’s still dead, ain’t she? All that, and after you got out of hospital, you were free. But I suffered in prison for something I didn’t do.”

Trying to take a breath, he sees white spots dancing across his eyes. “And you know who. Someone put a bullet in you, I went to prison, and you’re letting whoever did it go around free.”

“Aaron-” Robert sighs. “Alright, I’ll make you a deal: Let me take you back, and once you’re better, I’ll- I’ll tell you.”

“And how I am meant to make sure you keep your end, eh? I don’t trust your word, Robert, and I never will. If I had in prison, that would have been the same as you letting me die. Do it, now, since you were so willing to before.”

“No,” Robert protests. “Aaron- I didn’t remember anything, I didn’t find anything out until- when I did, that’s when I gave my statement. I didn’t leave you in there knowing you were innocent.”

“Haven’t been that since I was a kid, probably not even then,” he mutters. Shaking his head against the approaching darkness, he continues, “I don’t care if you love me, Robert. I don’t believe you do, but even if I’m wrong, that’s strictly your problem, mate. Who knows, if you’d died, I might have been cleared faster. Even if I weren’t, though, you being alive to get me out isn’t what I’d call a reason to be grateful right now. So, do one.”

There’s silence, and jumping, Aaron wonders if he dozed off.

Looking over, he finds Robert staring down. However, he looks over before Aaron can look away.

“It doesn’t make you feel any better, does it,” Robert asks, and he sounds tired and, worse, sympathetic. “I don’t know if it does me or not, but when you’ve been hurt and wronged, for all the times you took it out on someone, there’s a million more when you took it out on you. I’ve hardly ever taken it out on myself. I lash out at people, and I keep doing it until I can put it behind me.”

“You owe me nothing,” Robert continues. “Whether I owe you something or not, I love you, and that’s why I’m not leaving you alone. So, if there’s more lashing out, go ahead. It hurts. I’m sure you do mean it. This isn’t just the pain and hurt talking, this is real hatred. I wonder if you’ve ever truly been on the receiving end of that. If you haven’t, I hope you never do. But as for me, I’ve had plenty of practise, and the way I’ve always handled it has never turned out good in the long run. I want you safe and healthy. If possible, happy. Until the first two happen, you’re stuck with me.”

Aaron just wants to sleep, but part of him is afraid to.

He wonders if this is good or bad.

“Let’s go back, then,” he says.

He knows Robert is going to keep pushing. He’s going to have to deal with his mum, Paddy, and who knows who and what else. His dad is likely to become an even bigger problem.

The pain in his arm is something he can make go away, though. Medicine, a clean hospital gown, maybe a shower, and some sleep, and soon, he’ll be able to think and breathe clearly.

…

The first night, a nurse makes Robert leave, and Robert texts him several times to make sure he’s staying put but stops when he says he’s going to sleep.

In the morning, Robert brings him coffee and breakfast curry.

They watch a footie game for about an hour on Robert’s laptop before he reaches over, pauses it, and says, “You can go.”

“You may not trust my word, but I trust yours,” Robert says. “And to be fair, I have kept my promise not to tell anyone what’s going on. If you promise me you’ll stay until the treatment’s done, I’ll tell you about the shooting.”

He supposes Robert has a point. If his mum and Paddy knew, they’d both be up here.

Why he feels compelled to explain, though, instead of just promising, he wish he knew.

“Everything’s mental right now. There’s still a dull ache in my arm, and when I move it,” he does, “there’s a bit of a pain going through. But it’s getting better. It’s getting better, because, I’m making the choice to stay here and let them shoot medicine in my I.V. and taking the pills they give me and letting them change the bandage. Because I’m letting them poke and prod and ask questions.”

“So,” he sighs, “I’m not going to leave until it’s better. If I do, I’ll only make it worse, and I might have even less control than I do now. Right now, this is all my choice, and I’m not going to jeopardise that.”

To his surprise, Robert lets out a relieved sound. “Well, that’s good, yeah? Much healthier than-”

“Maybe, but it’s still messed up. I know that. Don’t pretend with me, Robert. However you feel about me, I’ve always been messed up, I always will be, and you- you’re one of the few people who has some real idea of how much.”

“We’re all messed up,” Robert says. “But you’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met. I just wish you didn’t have to go through so much pain. I wish you’d been able to show your strength in other ways.”

“When I was nineteen, I sat in a car in a garage, cried, closed my eyes, and breathed in,” he replies. “If it weren’t for Cain and Adam, I’d be dead. It was them, not being strong, that’s the reason.”

Robert looks stricken.

“Tell me or don’t. I’m not leaving right now.”

“It was Andy,” Robert quietly tells him.

“What?”

“Or technically, Ross pulled the trigger, but it was a deal he and Andy made.”

Aaron listens.

…

“Well, family is what always hurts you the most, huh,” he comments.

Before, he would have said nothing would cause Ross to ever hurt Finn, but now, he wonders if he should be worried. Having a brother who’d do such a thing- never mind how the knowledge would make Finn feel, if Ross can intentionally pull the trigger on another human being, what’s the guarantee he wouldn’t turn on Finn one day?

Making the mistake of looking over at Robert, he feels his own chest constrict in pain.

Mrs Sugden- it was an accident. After all the times Aaron has managed to accidentally hurt someone, he can’t judge. In addition, he’s wanted Robert dead himself.

The difference is: He didn’t pull the trigger. He protected his mum when he thought she did, because, it was obvious she wasn’t in her right mind, in part because of the worry for him and the threat Robert represented.

Andy wanted his own brother, Robert, dead, and he almost succeeded in getting it.

The strong urge to reach over and squeeze Robert’s hand overtakes him.

He quashes it down.

“Fine,” he says. “When I get out, if he’s still around, me and him are going to have words. If he’s not, I can’t hold that against ya. Just another thing about family, innit, you protect them even when they don’t deserve it.”

“Fair enough,” Robert says.

…

The next day, he’s discharged.

“You’re not leaving are you? Emmerdale, I mean.”

“Yes,” he answers.

“Aaron, please. All those things you said- just because you’re fit enough to leave, you still need more treatment. Prescriptions, bandage changing, and the like.”

“There are other chemists out there. Other hospitals.”

In the car park, Robert reaches out and wraps a hand around Aaron’s uninjured arm, and Aaron wishes the grip was tight and painful. If it were, he’d have an excuse.

“Whatever you want me to say or do, I will, if it means you’ll stay.”

“Why,” he demands.

There a stretch of silence.

“You told me you loved me, and I threw that back in your face and married Chrissie with you watching. There’s no denying I’d deserve it, but whether you appreciate me saying it or not, you have a much kinder heart. If you leave, I’ll feel like you did. I’m not asking you to give me a chance or be my mate. Just don’t leave like this.”

Aaron shakes his head. “You’ll get over your heartbreak. You did with Katie enough that you were able to push her. You did with Chrissie enough that you’re here wanting the only one who’d give you a real chance. And don’t bring any other birds or blokes you’ve had up. I know you, Robert, and for so long, I wanted you bad enough I was willing to do and put up with anything. You want that Aaron back. But he’s gone, and I hope you never find another person you can break like you did me.”

Shaking the hand off, he leaves.

…

Unfortunately, his plan of getting some stuff from the Woolpack and leaving hits a snag in the way of: His dad is there, and his mum- it probably wouldn’t be right to call her a traitor, but he can’t help but label her as such.

He leaves, finds a wall, and is about to punch when his arm is grabbed.

“No,” Robert firmly tells him.

Robert can have hard eyes, but these aren’t. They’re just firm, and so is his grip.

He isn’t going to let Aaron.

Sagging, Aaron sinks down to the ground and leans against the wall.

Robert follows suit.

He wishes the thoughts of how much Robert can be like Gordon weren’t swirling in his head. Somehow, until now, he never consciously made the connection.

Growing up, he saw how good his dad was with people, and he knew how not good his dad could be in private.

However, there’s one thing: out of all the ways Robert hurt him, it was never through physically forcing anything sexual, and Aaron knows down to his bones, Robert would never hurt an eight-year-old, any kid, in fact, in such a way. He’d never do it to _anyone_.

He closes his eyes, focuses on his breathing, and eventually, the warm, solid presence next to him penetrates his senses.

Paddy is alive, and so is Robert. Robert’s been beaten up by Cain while Aaron listened, and Robert was shot by a man Aaron considered an at-times mate due to Robert’s own brother.

Thinking of the words he’s hurled over the last few days only makes him feel sick.

“I’m tired of the pain,” he announces. “You hurt me, I hurt you, and I’m sick of it. No, it doesn’t help. I did, I won’t say I didn’t, but I don’t want you dead. Prison’s over. So, maybe, we should just stick to staying away from each other.”

Robert shakes his head. “I’m not trying to play the hero, Aaron. I care about you, and if you’ll let me, I’ll help you.” He places a soft hand on Aaron’s shoulder, and after a few seconds, slips his arm between Aaron’s back and the wall and settles his hand on Aaron’s other shoulder. “I’m sorry for what I’ve done. I’m trying to be a better person. You’ve gone through that, too, haven’t you?”

“I thought I had.”

“Don’t do that,” Robert softly says. “Anything you’ve done to me, I don’t care about that. Maybe we can’t just leave it all behind, but as much as we can, let’s leave the bad at this wall, yeah? We can give being proper mates a go. Maybe, someday- I won’t lie and say I don’t still hope for a chance with you, but I’d rather have you as just a mate than nothing.”

You’ll just hurt me, again, goes through his head.

Despite this, he wants more than anything to leave as much bad as possible at the wall, and Robert’s arm around him is somehow, after everything, still translating to warmth and safety.  

“I hated my mum growing up,” he says. “I always wanted to go back to my dad’s as soon as possible when I had to stay with her. When I was seventeen, he kicked me out, and I tried to figure out a way to get him to take me back. But- Did I ever tell you I have a little sister, too?”

“Once. I wanted to ask you more, but it just never happened. Liv, right?”

“That’s what we all called her. Her full name’s Olivia. She’s almost ten, eleven, years younger. After my dad kicked me out, Sandra took Liv and disappeared. And when she did, it just hit me one night. I never had to go back to my dad’s. I was free.”

“Free of what?”

He can’t leave this at the wall. He can’t leave it anywhere, no matter how much he wishes he could.

Time to see Robert run, he darkly thinks. Hopefully, he won’t go around telling people, at least.

Part of him protests.

“I told Jackson my first time was when I was seventeen, and I told him he was the first man. They were both lies.”

“Aaron?”

“He raped me,” tumbles out. “My dad,” he quickly clarifies. “Not Jackson, Jackson would never, ever do such a thing. I was eight years old, and I pushed him too far, and he- Three more times, four in total. However bad things were with your dad, he never did that to ya, did he?”

He vaguely realises he’s crying and shaking.

“No,” Robert softly says. Bringing his other arm around Aaron, he tightens his grip. “We’re- we’re going to figure this out.”

“There’s nothing to figure out. It happened, and it can never be changed. It never will again.”

“You belong here,” Robert says. “Unless you decide to leave for the right reasons, this is your home. I’m not going to let Gordon drive you away from it. From you friends and family.”

“Don’t tell anyone.”

“No, of course not,” Robert says. “But, uh, maybe you should.”

Scoffing, he tenses.

Robert doesn’t let go. “Aaron,” he softly says, “he’s scum, and he deserves horrible things. You, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Do you hear me? Look at me.”

Unwillingly, he does.

“You have nothing to be ashamed of. And whatever you want to do, I’ll support you, but please, don’t leave everything behind because of him. He’s not worth it.”

“My mum can never know.”

“Why not?”

“Because- you wouldn’t understand.”

“I’m not trying to have a go, but she’s probably sleeping with him. You’re not protecting her or yourself by keeping quiet. Do you- Not only is she having sex with someone who hurt her son in the worst way imaginable, she is literally sleeping with a rapist right next to her.”

“He wouldn’t hurt her,” Aaron says. “He never hurt Sandra, either. Liv’s gone. But if my mum knew, she’d blame herself.” Closing his eyes, he admits, “I have before. Except, it really isn’t her fault. I’m not going to do that to her.”

Robert sighs. “Yeah, she would blame herself. I didn’t even know you back then, and I’m blaming myself. But that isn’t your fault, and just like you, Chas is strong. She can handle knowing, and we can do whatever we need to, to help her stop blaming herself.”

“Mate, my mum hates you,” Aaron tiredly points out.

“Fair point,” Robert acknowledges. “Well, you and the rest of your family, Paddy, Adam and the other Bartons, all of them, can help.”

“Right, all them knowing-”

“They all love you,” Robert cuts in. “They want you happy and safe. You deserve to be really happy. And they deserve to see you like that, not be taken in by a monster like your dad while you keep suffering.”

Suddenly, Aaron feels his stomach rumble.

“I need food,” he says. “Let’s just leave it for now.”

“Okay.” Standing, Robert helps Aaron up. “I could join you, if you didn’t mind the company.”

“Yeah, that sounds good.”

He wants to say thanks, and he wants to tell Robert to leave now as opposed to later. However, he does feel a little lighter, less angry, and less scared.

“What was Liv like?”

Smiling, he answers, “It’s probably just me being her big brother, but she was beautiful. She was normally real sweet, but when something set her off, she usually didn’t cry. She’d throw things and scream.”

“Absolutely no resemblance to you or any other Dingle, then, eh,” Robert jokes.

Trying to stop the laughter, Aaron shoves at him. “Shut it. She- she talked a lot. Haven’t thought about in a while, but I think I miss that. She’d follow me around and just talk about anything.”

“Well, you lucked out there. Vic’s imaginary friend didn’t like me, so, she-”

“Wait, what?”

“Yeah, when Vic was little, she had…”


End file.
